Unwinding Urgency: How I’m Healing My Need to “Be There Already”
unwinding urgency
so hey, quick confession...
there’s a part of me that just wants to be there already.
To post a video and see it get tons of views.
To wake up to new followers, new payments,
To see daily and instantaneous proof that I’m moving forward.
To be financially independent doing what I love.
To be honest, it's usually pretty challenging to be with, because it feels like I can't be happy with where I am in the present moment, which is really so key to our spiritual practice, right?
Lately, I’ve been learning to let this part speak.
Not shame it or bypass it, but actually listen to what’s underneath the urgency.
the younger self behind the rush
After listening a bit, I see that this urgency isn’t just impatience.
It’s my younger self talking - the one who waited with suffocating trepidation for grades, test results, competition announcements - mentally tearing themselves to shreds for not being able to meet impossibly high standards.
This younger version of me... couldn't tolerate that space of uncertainty when it wasn't clear whether I was "the best".
They believed their value lived outside of them, in someone else’s approval.
And I found safety in being approved, in being the best, at the top of my class... because my sensitive, highly emotional, queer self was an ostracized loser that nobody wanted to be friends with.
Seeing this now, it's easier to identify this urgency not as a flaw, but simply as what helped me survive those dark times.
when urgency tries to save you
Recently I bought a course I didn’t really need.
It actually wasn’t about the course.
It was that urgent part of me, trying to feel in control,
trying to feel like we were finally getting somewhere.
And instead of criticizing my urgency for the hasty spending decision as I would have before when I wasn't aware, I chose to forgive this younger version of me.
I said:
“You don’t have to run anymore.
I see you.
I love you.
We are SAFE.”
unwinding, not erasing
Unwinding urgency doesn’t mean I stop wanting things.
It means I stop attaching my worth to the speed at which they arrive.
It means I stop treating the in-between like a punishment.
It means being able to sit in the becoming and say: “This is sacred too.”
I’m learning to feel okay even when I’m not there yet.
To let the part of me that craves arrival be seen and held, not exiled.
It is not wrong for wanting the dream.
It just doesn’t have to be where I operate from anymore.
breaking the spell
The real spell I’m breaking isn’t about whether I go viral.
It’s the belief that I have to arrive before I can feel safe.
That I need proof to feel permission.
But I’m already arriving.
I’m already becoming.
I can feel safe now in this moment, even when I'm not "there yet."
And... I am already enough.
reflection for you
If urgency has been living in your body lately... if you've felt the pressure to arrive, to prove, to fix, you're not alone.
Here are a few questions to explore gently:
What is the part of me that wants to "be there already" truly afraid of?
When did I first learn that my worth was tied to performance or speed?
How did urgency once protect me? How might it still be trying to?
How and where might I be able to offer more compassion to the part of me that can't be okay without external validation?
You don’t have to have the answers right away.
Let the questions simmer.
Sometimes, the inquiry is the medicine.
